I had decided awhile ago that I don't want to become "involved" with anyone during my transition, for a variety of reasons, and up until now I've had no problem dealing with passing crushes, but I'm in a bit of a pickle. There's this girl I just started hanging out with... I met her through the local trans support group and we found out that she lives just a few blocks away from me, so on my nights off I go hang out at her place, smoke a bit of weed, watch a movie or something, just real nice "chill" time. She's usually kinda flirty but tonight I was getting this vibe of "I actually mean it but I can't tell you". The problem is, she's pre-op, so even if I decided I was ready to maybe try a relationship, I couldn't be intimate with her, because I'm a total lesbian and I just can't deal with boy parts down there. Am I totally closed-minded, or is this a normal reaction for mtf lesbians?

cross-posted to mtf

[x-posted to fatshionista]

( Fall essentials behind the cut! )

It's been a long as hell month for many reasons, but I found out something that made me smile.

My therapist is actually specialized in transgenderism and the issues surrounding it. We got into a talk about one of my previous girlfriends, who is transgender and from that, my own issues regarding my gender identity and she told me this and that a lot of her patients were transgender or questioning themselves too. It made me smile because I had had a hard time finding people in my area. I don't live in a small town by any means, but to know this was kind of cool.
Little moments of cool in life.

I was wondering if anyone else has ever been approached by people who found out about their trans status and proceeded to go on about how courageous and brave they are, and whatnot. I was just wondering how it makes others feel.

I have been told this numerous times, even by other transpeople. Some of it has to do with my age and where I live (in a religious and military city), I know, but still. "It takes a very brave/courageous/whatever person to do what you're doing." Uhm, no. It takes money, research, and a decent set of doctors/therapists who know how to operate under the radar of the insurance company. It's courageous to be willing to go overseas and risk death following orders/fighting a war you may not believe in, for the greater good.

It bugs me. Because I'm doing what I need to do. I don't think I'm brave or courageous. If anything, I'm rather socially awkward and cowardly, as I tend to live under the radar. I transferred to a new highschool last year where the vast majority of students knew me as female in middle school. I denied knowing what they were talking about and insisted that "Dude. My name is Tobias. Do I -really- look that much like a girl? o___O" and just went on the hope that they wouldn't really recognize me after four years. Same thing in my college classes this year, where I run into students from both of the highschools I attended.

I just... feel almost like it's rather patronizing. And it just makes things rather awkward. I mean, what do you say to that? "Thanks; I'm the new Batman."? Great hells, the way I see it, I either transition or kill myself. It's like cancer. You either treat it and hope for the best, or you give up and die. Not much courage or bravery there.

I dunno. This is just one of those things that have been bugging me for a while. What do you guys think?

Has anyone experienced hair loss a few months after starting HRT? I have some thinning going on the top of my head and hair line. I don't know if it's the adjustment to hormones, but of course it's very discerning to me.

Any thoughts?

Sorry if this is a repeat post, but I only have a quick second to post. Does anyone know if there are any transgender remembrance day events in Portland, Oregon this year? I cant find anything listed anywhere for Portland!

Thanks!

for those in the us or international folks who are particularly savvy about us issues:

i have heard from a few people about trans women's health care being specifically excluded from the health care reform bill that passed in the house this weekend. does anyone know anything about it? i've looked, but haven't been able to find any articles or posts that actually cite where in the bill this is. i've also tried looking in the actual text of the thing, but it's like 2,000 pages of vague bullshit that i just can't bring myself to wade through.

if anyone has any information, that'd be awesome. thanks.

So. When I first moved to Vancouver from my crappy, closed minded city, I had kind of arrived on the false impression that maybe my anxiety wouldn't make a return here. Although I should have known that, having dealt with anxiety and depression since I was 13, and I am about to turn 22 next month, that simply moving to a "more open minded" area wouldn't eliminate the anxiety and depression forever. It was completely fine for the first few months, but I've completely unraveled again, and I don't have a clue what triggered it. Now all of a sudden, I'm suicidal every day again, and I can't get on the mass-transit system without having a mild heart attack over whether or not everyone in the vehicle is judging my soul to death. Its like I'm petrified to my seat every time.

I mentioned it to my doctor today when I went in for my Spiro refill. Apparently now I'm a candidate for free counseling. I asked if I would still need to talk to a gender therapist for it to count towards hours clocked towards getting approved for SRS, and she said no. It'll all count towards everything I'm working for, I just need to be approved by a psychiatrist when I'm going for the actual SRS (which is covered by health care, bless their souls). Thankfully, there are several that can approve me here instead of just the one Alberta had. Which is marvelous, because to be frank, I'm not a big fan of a therapist telling me I can or can not make the decision for myself anyway at $200 an hour. I would like to applaud the health care system for actually caring about my well-being here. Calgary will bleed you dry for as much as they can get. In my opinion anyway. Its nice to know I really do have access to help and progress when I'm poor and isolated.

Although as much as I love the Three Bridges Clinic for all of these things, I do wish they'd stop sticking me with a different student doctor every time I go in.

Just felt like sharing this. It's been a really hard couple of weeks. Maybe I need to just accept that I do need more trans oriented friends, because my cisgendered friends, accepting as they are, just don't seem to understand or connect with me on that level of my life. So that's probably a large part of the reason for my feeling of isolation and a breeding ground for feelings of not being wanted.

so yeah i know i am just starting the process but heels make me feel pretty.

Is anyone here or does anyone know of anywhere Trans friendly in the Crew/Holmes Chapel area of England that is hiring. Lilly's partner (Trinity) is desperately looking for a full time job and has been having no luck. Trinity is great amazing with computers and has done IT work, that would be preferred but anything help will be most appreciated.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this. We are running out of ideas.

Love,
~Lilly

Hey guys.. I need a shoulder.

I'm Mike, im 24. I'm living in orlando. I'm poor. I'm off my T. I dont have any docs down here. I'm lightyears away from surgery. I'm single. And I feel like I'm living in a shithole.
I guess what I'm saying is I need friends. I literally only know the people I work with and they basically all learned about me being trans right off the bat. I'm way more solitary than I'd like and I think its gone something to do with it. I'm reeling a bit after a girl told me I'm not her type because I cant stop reading that to mean "I dont like girls who pretend to be guys." I just havent really found a place to fit here and it just seems like everythings coming apart at the seams.
A few guys contacted me saying theyre in orlando too off of FTMVanity, but I lost their emails. I guess I'm looking for someone to hangout with. Someone to talk to. It seems like its impossible to make friends without college to help the process.
I'm just having a crappy day and dysphorias taking advantage of it, I'm stuck in a whirlwind, in my apartment, which feels like doom.


sigh. I dont even know what I'm asking for. Attention maybe?

I know of the surgeries they do which can make anyone infertile. But there's ways other than surgery isn't there? I'm positive I'm not the only one who gets gender dysphoria from likely being fertile. If I can completely lose my fertility my self esteem will be a LOT higher. So with surgery out of the picture how many ways can someone become completely infertile, and how safe are all these said methods? What about some combined ways to become infertile? So far I've heard about having cellphones in ones pocket, certain types of medication, lots of hot showers, high amounts of caffeine, lack of sunlight /etc/, but it's really complicated there may have been things I didn't hear about yet?

Also want to hear about ways for both mtf, and ftm infertility as I'm positive there's other people in the same situation here.

I came out to my manager at work today.

( It went well, but... )

Hi LJ,

Long time no speak.  I thought I'd let you in on a lil' secret....

...I no longer live in Montreal :O

That's right I have moved to the soon-to-be-Olympic hellhole known as Vancougar *eep*  I'm feeling kinda lazy right now, but thought it would be appropriate to update this thing, so I'll do it in the classic way:

This is going to be my 4th full day in Van, and so far the ++++ have been
-getting picked up at the airport by friends of the family (ie: not having to use public transit or a cab with 4 bags of luggage)
-moving to the pretty rad neighbourhood called Commercial Drive...it's similar to Mile End in Montreal or Parkdale in Toronto wherein it's where most of the dykes, trannies, artists, hippies, and independently owned shops are.
-$300/month rent
-meeting/hanging out with my new roomates---Fancy, Kim, and Justin---all of whom share tons of mutual friends with me
-wandering around aimlessly on foot for the first two days, getting lost and loving every minute of it
-exploring every single grocery store on the drive
-after two days of walking, I got a bike!
-going to see $100 (an awesome bluegrassy/country band from T.O.) play at theBbourbon pub in gastown
-going to a talent show at a friend's (Travis) house, doing some 4 year old spoken word pieces and winning a prize for "sexiest talent"
-the talent show was a benefit for an autonomous/anarchist space that holds weekly events/discussion groups/film screenings/walking tours/etc. I'm going to a workshop there today on anti-olympic resistance work
-making a giant, 5 course brunch with the roomies and some of their friends
-pretty much eating vegan or dairy products that are free-range/organic
-smoking tons of B.C. pot
-reducing my consumption of tobacco/alcohol
-eating a pay-what-you-can lentil soup at the rhizhome cafe
-seeing my friend telyn a whole bunch
-meeting new people
-seeing the mountains ALL the time!
-the vancouver skyline at night

But of course, like always there are - - - - too:
-being sick since wednesday (just a cold, at least its not swine flu :P)
-having it rain *every* single day, all day
-the vancouver skyline during the day (waaaaay too many giant glass condo skyscrapers)
-having my bike not work right when I got it
-biking up the hills
-the super bougie yuppie/guppie folks around my neighbourhood
-way too many white-people-with-dreadlocks-type hippies here too
-being pretty broke
-the Bourbon pub being absolute douchebags. We had to show our ids to the bouncer outside, then show them to the door person inside, who THEN scanned the ids into a computer and took a webcam photo of us, and then got searched by the bouncers...all to see a fucking bluegrass band.  Coming from Montreal where I haven't shown an id, even at the SAQ, in years to that was a shock to say the least
-speaking of shock, I'm in total culture shock with the lack of french :(
-knowing that I'm going to be missing all of the Patrick Califia events in Montreal, especially the next against the wall :(


Anyway, that's my life so far out west.  Ya'll should come visit!  Or at least write to me!

1616 East Second Avenue
Vancouver, B.C.
V5N 1C9

I miss everyone sooooo much
xoxo
Kate
 

I mean it just seems so binary. You can't be a true heterosexual, or a true heterosexual if you do not have an opposite to your gender. The lucky ones amongst us get to become full men, or full women one day. A lot of the rest of us are forced to live as not fully either gender. Some of us who can't transition are thrown into lifelong androgyny. Some of us non-transitioners can't truly be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual because we don't have a purely opposite gender to compare to. Are these labels, oppressive ones made for people who get to live on the binary spectrum? I feel left out, and frustrated whenever I hear people mention their sexual orientation. I get reminded that physical femininity mixed with physical masculinity mixed with a feminine personality makes me neither gender in a sense. Then I feel left out because I don't have an opposite to claim a sexual orientation.

TLDR: Are sexual orientations extremely binary biased thus oppressive to non-binary people?

Edit: Removed the term "pure" as it has bad undertones.

hey guys, I have the opportunity to write an article for "This Magazine," a Canadian national magazine.

I want to write a feature on transfolk in the Canadian forces and this means I need a character. If anyone is in Toronto or the surrounding area and is interested in making their story known, please message me!

Thanks so much!

I am getting ready to move to a new state and town in the next year or so. When I go I am hoping to introduce myself from the get go as female. I understand that this will probably scare some people away but then again those are not the people I would want to get to know anyway right? I guess my question is, is it a good idea to be upfront with new people right away about being trans or is it likely to isolate me from the community before they have a chance to accept me?