aatmayoni

yum

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:31:29 GMT

My lunch today... bhindi sabji (deep fried okra and deep fried potatoes, with mirchi, haldi, hing, and rai- topped off with melted chipotle-cheddar cheese) + homemade parathas...

to balance off this incredibly unhealthy meal, i'll drink pomegranite juice...

this journal is friends-only!

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 06:10:36 GMT

ok, so this journal is FRIENDS-ONLY from now on. if you want to see, you'll have to join LJ and comment and i'll eventually friend you back...

benson & hedges were both queer as fuck!

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 21:50:00 GMT

well, unlike my last vacation, i havent had much time for contemplation and reflection, this trip, unlike the last one...

this one has been almost non-stop work. its amazing to be working in a movement that is teetering on the brink of explosive political gains... this is a true peoples movement that could shut down the entire american infrastructure in days if it wanted, and was organized enough. it is just incredibly humbling to play a role in it.

i met with some incredibly powerful community leaders, and made a film of everything they had to say to their counterparts in chicago... anybody want to help me edit it? *nudge hbsoul*

Also met yelamma, an ally of the org i met with, who is referred to as the "little sister". she thinks she knows something about me since i smoke "benson & hedges", but will tell me later. since later isnt about to happen anytime soon, im dying of curiosity. im around 97% sure that to her it means that im QUEER as fuck! I think she is too- she knows too many people from desi queer groups (or should i say group!) in chi...

anyway, this one has to be cryptic to some of you who have no idea what my organizing job consists of... i'll post privately later...

im in new york tonight, and im not leaving til sunday afternoon... looking forward to many, many, many more meetings and hopefully some social time! if you are in NY as well, get in touch with me and we can get together!

timesuck!

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 04:33:16 GMT

Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424

second chances...

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 08:51:34 GMT

my chicago friends might know that my trans status is as yet not out at school and work... i tend to present andro-femme and use my name given at birth...

first day of class:

"im going to pass around a sheet and i want all of you to put your preferred names and email addresses next to your first and last names..."

sheet came to me. i panicked. i could barely spell the name i was given at birth. i couldn't do it. few strokes and it was done. i felt like i had betrayed myself.

second day of class:

"im sorry, i lost the sheet i sent around last class... this time i promise not to lose it so fill in your..."

this time, again i started feeling anxious. i decided i wouldnt betray myself again. printing one capital letter at a time, i carefully spelled out 'ARDHANA'... it felt magical...

i wish every teacher did this! what a surprise that my conservative (two time bush voter) teacher who is very much into debating ideas, would be concious of such a thing. i realize now that he used only last names until the sheet was handed around in order to be trans-positive.

i still haven't been called on by my first name, but it will be an interesting feeling...

other surprises:

went out with hbsoul, m, and a friend of theirs, a, who i've met a few times with my name given at birth. we went to dinner in chinatown, m's treat. i was dressed andro-femme, no makeup or wig. i've not formally come out to a, like i've had to with so many other people, but whatever happened made it not necessary.

i dont know if m had a talk with him on the car ride over, or whether a figured things out himself, but a corrected himself on pronoun usage. either way, it meant a lot to me. its been a while since i've heard someone do it without my having to 'explain' why.

either people just get it and almost never fuck up, or they keep fucking up over and over again, usually till i 'explain', i dont think anybody has corrected themselves without my having to say something.

aasha.

been a while (yet again)...

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 02:26:13 GMT

firstly- Hindi movie Rehguzar is total CRAP. You know, even if the film followed some sort of formulaic plot, it would have been better, but, pretty much there was no CONFLICT in the film, thus no tragedies, just sudden twists of fate. the films plot surrounds a (very quickly and unrealistically upwardly mobile) working class indian immigrant in dubai who falls in love with an absurdly rich ("daddy, you told me you'd buy me a new car this week!" "Of course, would you like a porche or..."). the thing that strikes me as unique about this film is that the rich are portrayed very very VERY sympathetically.

i remember once upon a time when indian films (yes even mainstream ones) used to be critical of power and privelege- upward mobility always had corruption as a caveat, and wealthiness always had brahminical (sometimes islamic) patriarchal orthodoxy or western (often anti-patriotic) social darwinism as a caveat. Rehguzar, really exemplifies social darwinist ideal of dubai, by ignoring ALL of these basic tenets- which are pretty much how the average desi can relate to a character. Apparently though, nowadays films are no longer made for indians, but for wealthy NRIs in the US.

secondly- Hindi film "God Only Knows" is a right wing satire (again a rarity, in fact i think a first in india), but managed to make me laugh more than a few times. its about a politician who goes to swarg (indra's kingdom) and decides to organize the public against lord indra, so that he can take over. he forms a coalition government called "CROTCH", with yumraj (leader of narak, the underworld) and calls for elections.

if the fact that the producers of this film credit amongst their works, a music video set to poetry by Hindutvadi ex-PM Vajpayee doesnt make their right-wing orientation clear, the various swipes at pakistan, the existance of a white christian heaven, and a desi hindu swarg, but no muslim heaven, the transphobia/homophobia, and the anti-african racism should place the film in the pseudo-fascist (hey, they call leftists "pseudo-secularists") category.

what else- really getting into calypso nowadays... i love how easily this type of dance music goes with explicit calls for political change... researching the genre a bit, i figured out that calypso served the purpose in the carrebean (esp trinidad) of a popular news media since the 1800s, kind of the role hip hop served in american cities through the 80's and mid 90's. really into lord invader and sampson the lark. please send me recommendations if you have any!

also- work is going VERY well. the fact that my job has a trans-inclusive benifits package has made me put in four times as much effort into it. the first organizing meeting i put together went phenominally... i need to learn, though, about how to deal with working class white minority within a trade dominated by people of color. many are in actuality progressive- unlike bourgoise white leftists ive met over the years- whose ideology is based in guilt-reduction and an ambigious normalization of racism to the form of some imaginary "color-blind melting pot". i need to understand how ask the white leaders to step back so that the POC leadership can step up too. please reccomend any readings that might be helpful!

Countdown to hormones continues and i've been feeling very insecure due to anxiety about my body as it currently is- chicago people, this is why i havent been going out much! apparently this is normal.

My east coast trip is very soon! beginning of next month... i'll be in Washington DC, fourth to seventh, i'll be in Philly, and eighth to eleventh i'll be in New York! very excited about this.

Hopefully, i'll also be moved in before/after this trip with two new roommates, in an incredible apartment by Bryn Mawr and Ridge. my new roommates, if they agree on me, are two documentry filmmakers who are very serious about their work. i hope it will rub off on me- i've always dreamed of being a documentry filmmaker!

oh and finally- i start school on monday!

Thats all for now!!

new year hate crime on the south side

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 00:08:30 GMT

Update: "No Evidence" of Hate Crime at Chicago's "Gay House"
An update to the tragic New Year's Day shootout in Chicago that injured six black gay men, two of them critically: Detectives will not investigate this as a hate crime.

The department's Civil Rights Unit was notified after the Sunday morning shooting because of witness accounts that the targeted home was known as the "Gay House" in the neighborhood at 79th and Woodlawn.

As of Tuesday, investigators had not found evidence that the offenders shot the victims because they thought they were homosexual, department officials said.

"At this point it has not reached that level," police spokeswoman Monique Bond said. "Nothing has given us any indication there were elements of a hate crime involved."

Early Monday morning, about 100 people were gathered at the home. Two masked gunmen kicked in the doors and started shooting. Six men were injured and two were shot in the chest—both remain in critical but stable condition and should live.

Many of the residents and visitors were involved in Chicago, Atlanta and New York City's ballroom community. According to Frank León Roberts, those injured include members of the Houses of Blahnik, Herrera, and, his own Mizrahi. One house brother is among those critically injured and Frank's ex-boyfriend was grazed by a bullet.

"I spent New Year's on the phone with Darryl who was in the hospital with two of his house brothers who were shot," Frank says, adding that the gunmen entered the home "through the basement then began shooting on both the lower and upper levels, essentially locking many of the party goers into a stairway." No one has been arrested in the shooting and detectives have few leads on the suspects—because no one saw the faces of the gunmen.

Apparently, the entire neighborhood knew about "the gay house" that often hosted loud parties but police are having difficulty proving a hate crime motive. One source close to the investigation told Rod 2.0 this was an "robbery gone wrong" and there may have been an accomplice on the inside. Some comments on the Walk 4 Me message board also suggest there was an ongoing, personal feud with some of the neighbors that was not related to the residents' sexuality.

Unfortunately, in cases such as this, everything always relates back to the victim's sexuality. We'll keep you posted on the details...

Chicago Shooting -- Is Everyone Ok?
http://www.walk4mewednesdays.com/nsb/viewtopic.php?t=13331

No Evidence of Hate Crime at 'Gay House'
http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/195162,CST-NWS-house03.article

flashback!

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 23:14:33 GMT

flashback to the music my parents put on for every birthday party me and my brother had in bombay... raa raa rasputin!

naya saal mubarak!

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 19:42:27 GMT

naya saal mubarak, feliz ano nuevo, happy new year to all my LJ fam!

i got some excellent news at the dope, although underattended, new years party... x told me that another person working at the same national non-profit as me is having Gender Identity Dysphoria claims covered under our benefits plan! WHAT AMAZING NEWS!! Apparently, the org i work for is one of the only ones that has approved a somewhat comprehensive health plan for trans people... it doesnt cover electrolysis :*(, voice therapy, and some other essential stuff, but it does cover psychotherapy, hormones and SRS!!

new doors have already opend up this year

ativima smriti

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 05:12:53 GMT

the last few days i have been moving from the absurdly logical to an abstract mindstate... i'm starting to feel inspired again... so one thing i've decided to do is to learn how to DJ (my college offers courses that would fill my elective requirement) so that i can do something i always wanted to, and make extra money to afford my serious bills two months down the road...

speaking of which, euphoric anxiety about the hormones has seriously sunk in. 1.5 months.

this morning started one puff deep, just enough to swim through the city on the el, and looked at the incredibly beautiful leafless trees, that line the shores, over ambient, abstract music, and think about the changes i'll be going through, my own sacred geometry... i smiled at the beauty of the bare branches, a thousand withered arms thrown up in invocation, and i occassionally laughed, eyes shut, glimpsed fate...

coming to new york, dc, and philly!

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 09:54:51 GMT

to all the new york people, the DC people, and possibly the philly people (who i dont know about!)....

i'll be taking a work-related trip in the first two weeks of february and i would love to see all of you while i'm there! send me mail or comment on here and let me know if you want to meet up!

required reading...

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 01:49:32 GMT

by way of emi koyama

required reading especially for thewildwest with regards to transphobic classmate, and hbsoul in the context of reflecting on our past organizing work together... dont agree with emi on lots of stuff but one good place to start...

The Transfeminist Manifesto(PDF)

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 11:53:24 GMT

You know, I still think about how fucked up everything that transpired (heterosexism/sexism wise) with the now defunct revolutionary POC formation SACAR (Small Axe Community for Autonomy & Resistance) here in Chicago was. ridiculously fucked up. i cant beleive i had so much internalized oppression to stay with that shit as long as i did.

there have been constant reminders in the last years. who knows maybe someone will send out another email any day now to diminish who i am. i am throughly disgusted by some of my former comrades, and on healing terms with others. i still think about how these 'others' caused me profound pain and how much i mistrust them, today, because of this.

nothing is forgotten, i just got tired of talking about it...

untimitely, i maintain that these rapidly rising internal heirarchy's led to the dissolution of the group. while the group was, as i understand, entirely straight identified when i left, even straight-allies were villified and pushed out of the inner circle.

if this guide below had checkboxes, i think SACAR (and virtually all of its individual members) would have managed to check off virtually all of the "donts" and none of the "dos".

Trans Respect/Etiquette/Support 101
great resource for non-trans allies (via warrior_lady):
Trans Respect/Etiquette/Support 101, by Micah Bazant. from the intro:

I am using the word ‘trans’ in the broadest sense, to include labels like genderqueer, transgender and transsexual. This was written from my own experience as a white transperson/ftm who is perceived as both female and male. Of course, every trans person is different, and would write this list differently...I’m sad to say that I’ve done most of the things on this list at some point in my life, and had most of them done to me even by other trans people. As with other forms of oppression, they are socialized into us from birth. We are all taught to be transphobic, and unlearning it is a process and a responsibility.

also, in retrospect, heres a link to the original draft vision of the group, posted almost exactly three years ago, originally known as CACTUS. so, so much has happened since.

mein aur meri awargi...

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 10:58:42 GMT

the profound experience i had when experimenting with psilocybe cubensis is really echoed by this brilliant Ghulam Ali ghazal that i happened to be listening to at the time:

download Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's version here...

MAIN AUR MERI AWAARGI (me and my 'mystical' wandering)

Phirte hain kab se dar-ba-dar (since when have we wandered here and there)
Ab is nagar ab us nagar (now this community, now that)
Ek doosre ke humsafar (as each other's companions)

Main aur meri awaargi -4 (me and my wandering)

(the rest of this i cant translate due to my lack of knowledge of classical urdu)

Na aashna har rehguzar
Na meherbaan har ek nazar
Jaayein to ab jaane kidhar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

Hum bhi kabhi aabaad the
Aese kahaan barbaad the
Hum bhi kabhi aabaad the
Aese kahaan barbaad the

Befikr the aazaad the -2
Masroor the dilshaad the -2
Wo chaal aesi chal gayaa
Hum bujh gaye dil jal gayaa
Nikle jalaa kar apanaa ghar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

Wo maah-e-vash Wo maah-e-rooh
Wo maah-e-kaamil hu-ba-hu
Wo maah-e-vash Wo maah-e-rooh
Wo maah-e-kaamil hu-ba-hu

Theen jis ki baatein ku-ba-ku -2
Us se ajab thi guftaguu -2
Phir yoon huwa wo kho gayi
Aur mujh ko zid si ho ga_ii
Laayeinge us ko dhoond kar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

(Sargam .....pa ma ga re ....)

Ye dil hi tha jo seh gayaa
Wo baat aesi keh gayaa
Ye dil hi tha jo seh gayaa
Wo baat aesi keh gayaa

Kehne ko phir kya reh gayaa -2
Ashkon ka dariyaa beh gayaa -2
Jab keh ke vo dilbar gayaa
Tere liye main mar gayaa
Rote hain us ko raat bhar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

Ab gham uthaayein kis liye
Aansu bahaayein kis liye
Ab gham uthaayein kis liye
Aansu bahaayein kis liye

Ye dil jalaayein kis liye -2
Yoon jaan gawaayein kis liye -2
Peshaa na ho jis kaa sifan
Dhoondeinge ab aesa sanam
Honge kahin to kaar-gar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

(Sargam .....pa ma ga re ....)

Aasaar hain sab khot ke
Imkaan hain sab chont ke
Aasaar hain sab khot ke
Imkaan hain sab chont ke

Ghar band hain sab koth ke -2
Ab Khatm hai sab Totke -2
Qismat kaa sab ye pher hai
Andher hai andher hai
Aese hue hain be-asar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

Jab humdam-o-humraaz tha
Tab aur hi andaaz tha
Jab humdam-o-humraaz tha
Tab aur hi andaaz tha

Ab soz hai tab saaz tha -2
Ab sharm hai tab naaz tha -2
Ab mujh se ho to ho bhi kya
Hai saath wo to wo bhi kya
Ek behunar ek besabar

Main aur meri awaargi -4

Phirte hain kab se dar-ba-dar
Ab is nagar ab us nagar
Ek doosre ke humsafar

hi.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 07:59:46 GMT

i havent posted in around 3 weeks. i need to get in the habit of writing again, especially not for school.

school related writing has occupied most of my time, since i had finals last week. i got progressively busier with classwork, and i tried to maintain a semblance of a social life while not working.

anyway... firstly, i think im finally seeing the emergance of a cohesive 90s generation, that is, MY generation, and i think this is one epitomy of the early 90s... "cause i said hey, eya, eyyya, yeah, uh... i said hey... whats goin on!?" meets "i am adam, prince of eternia"

secondly... transition time is quickly approaching... two more months before i get my spirno, and im saving up a good deal of money and seeing a therapist!

thirdly... i went to the CVS by montrose and kimball yesterday, and this guy started yelling "joto" (gay) out of his window... and i was slightly taken aback, esp since overt harrassment in boy clothes is relatively rarer for me (still occurs every couple months, vs in girl clothes around once every time i go out)... then i realized i was wearing 'girl' clothes by no breastforms or wig or skirt, just my jeans, my jacket and scarf... so this is making me realize that i've consistently started dressing more effeminate than before and resultingly moving in a more feminine manner... which is good because my boy clothes were starting to get rather ratty, and i feel more comfortable and confident in girl clothes anyway...

also, mushrooms.. i ate them... they are amazing- they reveal sacred ancient mathematics to you...

ok, so you should hear from me more often from now on... school doesnt start up again till late january!

misc...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 21:22:14 GMT

my kailash kher musical binge is not about to cease! i am just really discovering awaargi, and its really growing into my sonic space. i figured out why kailash kher (and other qawaali music) appeals to me so much...

kher uses narrative voices both pronouns, and their respective voices... many of his songs appear to be romantic, but those who have a deeper understanding of sufism would figure out that his songs have at least two subjects, one being god, another being a part of self, and a third being the external...

to me, the conversation with the self is the conversation with god/dess, because she doesnt exist, but as a placeholder in our literary imagination.

another element of his music (and of sufi ideas in general) is that love for god/dess comes from the same place as love for another being... god/dess dwells in everyone, and even more powerfully in community, and to truly love anyone is to recognize their spiritual centre- their ability to create, and allow your own god/dess to become intertwined within theirs.

i feel this deeply. when i hear hindi/urdu love songs, i sing them to myself, the subject always being the part of myself i long for, the part of me i saw when i finally brought myself to look in the mirror three years ago, and the part of me i saw in the mirror before i stopped looking.

this sunday morning i got up at 8:30 for no reason... i smoked some green- i've been off it for about two weeks and am feeling much clearer now... i think i need to put it into a routine of some sort, so that i can regulate my not smoking during the week, or non-socially. i didnt really have serious withdrawals, perhaps because im in a very different place now...

those who read the comments from the last post already know how the Trans Day of Rememberance was like for me... i will need to get involved in some way next year- i didn't feel encouraged by the tiny victories cited by the existing institutions, because they have done little that people can feel materially. you know, considering the few existing routes trans people can go to get involved ourselves, all the 'leaders' (actually staff people of orgs) can do is trot out token victories, rather than letting us get angry about the bullshit we face on a regular basis and organize for liberation/self-determination.

that and what i said in the comments in the previous post...

today i realized that the Spectral DNC i've been rubbing into my scalp twice a day for the last 3 months (when i switched from rogaine) is having some effect, and im slowly getting some hair back. its very, very exciting and put me in a good mood this morning. all you tranny girls out there- if you are genetically pre-desposed to baldness, and dont plan to start on hormones in the next year, you need to use something (tons of options out there) to block the DHT going to your scalp, and you can prevent losing more hair! trust me i would be more confident and would have saved a ton of money if i had started on this 3 years ago- when it comes to baldness, even a couple months can make a huge difference.

i missed my first therapist appointment because i marked it wrong on my calendar- which was just not good, but i will be starting next week, on wednesday. i wonder how it will be- im not sure what to expect... i hope he can recommend that i start on spiro soon...

Not another day of silence!

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 08:19:55 GMT

Just to be clear... i didnt write this, in fact i dont know who did, but i completely agree with it!

Not another day of silence!

It is on this day, November 20th, that we, transgender and transsexual peoples, have claimed for ourselves a day of remembrance. This is a day dedicated to the memory of all those lost to violent acts. Most of us? We are black and brown. Most of us: working class/poor. Most of us: disowned by our families and our communities. All of us: deserving basic human rights to safety, dignity, and freedom.

Yet we know, most of us are unable to gain these human rights. And we know that most of us are unable to walk the street without the possibility of violence and/or death. We know that our beings are scrutinized and attacked constantly, not only by institutonal forces such as state and federal laws, the prison industrial complex, schools, the pigs, and the medical industry (to name only a few), we are also under the scrutiny and attack of our own people, our own families, our own cultures, and circles.

We are your neighbors, we grew up in the same 'hoods as you, we areeducators, we wash your dishes, we are street workers, prostitutes and hustlers, we are youth, we are elders, we are organizers, we are healers, we are in your family: we are your brothers or sisters (or neither), we are your sons and daughters (or neither), we are the ones who hide in the shadows to get home at night and even in the day, we too dedicate our lives to the future and liberation of our communities and we fight for that, we are you...and yet you want to erase us. You deny us our rights , you laugh at us as if we are jokes, you tell us we are disgusting and wrong, you kick us out onto the street, and we wind up locked up...or dead.

Why have our own turned on us? Why have they forgotten that we have always existed since the beginning, and that so many of our traditions, indigenous, honored us and understood our medicine as powerful and sacred? We were accepted into our communities as respectable and valuable. Some still are. Just look at the women of Juchitan. But here and now, what
happened?

And we know in our hearts, the answer is in fact, 514 years of physical, mental and spiritual violence. We know that in the end, the affects of COLONIALISM, white supremacy, male supremacy and heterosexism have brought us here. This violence acted out so frequently upon us, is a taught and learned behavior. Yes, in the end we can blame this systematic oppression for so many of our murders, and for those of us living: ourlifelong struggle.

Yet, in the present, we may not always remain so objective...it is true that, we cannot always see the bigger picture with a knife to our throats, bullets in our bodies, and a million silent onlookers.

And who to protect us but us? We are dying out here and most do not care. At least one of us a month is killed. The police, (pawns of this corrupt government and allies to no one but the white ruling class), do not protect us--at best they ignore us, yet most often arrest us, beat us, rape us and lock us up. One out of every four trans people has been or currently is incarcerated.

The media rarely talks about the murders and rapes on us, only when the number of people calling attention to the ongoings is undeniable, or if it is profitable. When the media does recognize us, it is to dissect our bodies and histories with euro-centric garbage theories and analysis which again and again conclude that this is a mental and social disorder. We are the other. Our lives are not valued, therefore our deaths are not acknowledged.

The laws only speak towards us after years of lobbying, campaigning, and ass-kissing in order to be recognized or, again,when it works in favor of economic advancement. This is, if we have the time and access to knowledge of these laws and rights, which for many, remain inaccessible.

And in fact, there are so many of us, who have not the option to assimilate or to "pass" (aka become supposed "normal and fuctioning" members of society). So many of us are poor, black, brown, 'hood, differently abled, not able to finish school or get jobs and can't be so quick to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" and come up in this capitalist structure... And, really, do we want to? Some do. We do not judge them. We only remind them where we come from. Do not forget us. Continue in this struggle for dignity and liberation.

For those of us unable to "pass" for whatever reasons, whether chosen or unchosen, WE HONOR YOU. We thank you for your bravery and strength in existing. For representing the resistance of a people who will NEVER fit in to this man-created illusion of normality, of "nature" or what WE know in reality to be the confinement and policing of one's body and spirit. We honor you because you have the heart to exist, to keep living, and because you are us.

And to those of us to choose to "pass" for reasons of survival and other reasons of our own, WE HONOR YOU too for your strength and bravery to follow your truth and still, you are resisting. You are changing the future and determining your own direction. You have the heart to exist and keep living. You are us ,too.

And so, because we know who we are, despite what those who hate and attack us may say, we are challenging this current state of things. And we are letting our communities know, that we will no longer be the ones targeted with violence because of ignorance and learned behaviors. We, too, are oppressed and have been colonized. We, too, live under the same attacks of this imperialist system, and WE WILL NO LONGER BE THE UNDERDOG.

You should know, we have been educating ourselves and each other. We are organizing ourselves, out here and inside prison walls, we're getting stronger and we are resillient, we have had enough, it's time get your fuckin' foot off our backs.

On this day, Trans Day of Remembrance, how many will take the time to remember those of us dead, lost, and forgotten? How many less will remember that we are still here too? And that we will never be erased? We know liberation for us has been building and is yet to come. We are taking back our right to live and exist without being policed and brutalized not only
systematically but by our own people. We are no longer asking that you remember us, because you cannot forget us. After all, we are everywhere, look around you a little closer.

We call on all our allies, families and people to back us up, to see us and REPRESENT. We are not dead yet, we have always been here and will continue to exist. And as long as we are here, we will continue to fight for the liberation of ALL of our oppressed peoples. Will you fight for us?

We make no compromises. We are no longer silent.

In the spirit of our ancestors, In the spirit of Sylvia Riviera, Gwen Araujo, all our fallen warriors, and the thousands who remain unnamed...la lucha sigue, the struggle continues!

seriously fucked up!!

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 09:29:20 GMT

wow...

straight girls... and they birthday parties...

ok, so i should pretext this by saying i havent smoked in like two weeks and i havent drunk since my birthday! im really really high and drunk just about now... to the point where its hard for me to type!!

tonight

went to nisha's birthday... damn... nisha is a FREAK on her birthday... she was 1 mm from fucking on the dance floor for about 45 minutes!! damn. i havent even seen shit like that at hydrate or some of the kinkier gay clubs...

wow...

also. new weekend 7-11 clerk looks and talks remarkably like anupam kher, speaks kucchi, and seriously wants to get with me. as in he asked for my address and this is the first time he met me. as in he called me "baby" when i walked in. wow.

if it needs to be said (how low do you think my standards are???) i am not about to get with him. ew...

but yes, he speaks kutchi, hes from ahmedabad and his name for the puroposes of LJ is 'mohammed'.

Ahmed, nisha's friend, is so fucking hot. he has an endless supply of blunts, fell asleep on my shoulder one night, speaks arabic, wolof, and french (he's from senegal), and is cute as fuck!! what i would give to get with him!! damn he is cute...

also cute is allie who i met tonight, who is beautiful and thick, and just seems generally delicious, although in a difficult place just about now... i hope she'll call me to hang out... shes got a boyfriend, but i think she likes girls too... anyway would love to see her as a friend or whatever... i think we had so much in common...

wow. i dont think i've gone these places with this blog... damn... intoxication...

a very quick post...

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 08:46:27 GMT

i got the $25/hr, few hours a week gig.

i have two appointements with two different therapists this coming week, so i can take one of my first steps towards transitioning.

this one is a particularly boring post....

my schedule this week has been/will be:

monday 8AM-9:30PM (Commute, Work, two classes, Commute)
tuesday 8AM-9:30PM (Commute, Work, one class, Commute)
wednesday 8AM-8:30PM (Commute, Work, Commute, 2nd Job, grocery shopping)
thursday 8AM-9:30PM (Commute, Work, Meet friend, studio time for school, commute)
friday 8AM-6PM (Commute, Class, Work, see therapist, commute)

my commute is particularly notable cause it tends to last about an hour and a half each way.

i have pretty much quit smoking the green stuff (at least on a semi-regular basis)- i dont have time /energy/motivation to do so anymore. i'll save $$.

big life change, no? i do have a lot of energy (or is it hope?), fueled by my recent decision to start on hormones. hope i can keep up, keep saving money...

shit- i have so much meaningful to actually write, though... but i HAVE to sleep somehow for my early morning tommorow...

astrological birthday

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 11:45:09 GMT

Today is your astrological birthday, even though it may be different from your calendar birthday.

As would seem appropriate with this transit, today is a day of new beginnings, and the influences you feel today will affect the entire year to come. However, this does not mean that the whole year will be disappointing if today doesn't work out exactly as planned. You are receiving a new impulse from the energy center within you, as symbolized by the Sun. Therefore any new venture that you start at this time will ride the crest of this new energy and will very likely come to an acceptable conclusion. Whatever you do or begin today will bear the stamp of your individuality more than anything else. This is the day to assert yourself anew.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Conjunction Sun exact at 7:18
activity period from 10 November 2006 to 12 November 2006.

at 7:18, i will have just returned from my "intake" at the center on halsted, and will be going to see my pappa and celebrate my birthday with him. i wonder how he's going to respond to my ear piercing- if positively, i think this year will go well with him...

janm

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 10:01:19 GMT

ok, i think many of know just how ridiculously long i've been waiting to get my ears pierced... i did it today, very much unpredictably as im known to do. it looks great, although thewildwest was right about it taking 90 (!!) days to heal, thus making me unable to put on those hot earrings i bought in jackson heights for my birthday...

speaking of which on the 11th, tomorrow, i turn 24. this year i think will be very important...

i've definitely made up my mind... i'm going to start on spironolactane, a testosterone blocker ($30/month), in about a months time... i've worked out my budget and i can also start 6 hours of electrolysis a month, ($420/month) next month... the only catch is i'll have to stop eating out much and cut down on cigarettes and the green stuff...

i owe much of all this to my new job, and also i owe it to my brother's financial planning help- i know you are reading this so start your lj already!!... with this new job, i have health, life and disability insurance, sickleave and paid vacation time, and they even gave me a laptop (which allows me to write tonight despite a blown fuse in my room)!! and soon i will get hooked up with a Treo 650 pda! this organization is seriously well funded- yesterday m, my office manager told me "hey, i saw a one gig memory card in the quill catalog, so i put in the order for you..." and i didnt even ask for shit!! and i'm adequately paid to transition comfortably...

on some strikingly good luck, i found a bag of green when i pulled out an old extension cord (to get the lights on in my room) out of the top of a doorway at my house- how the fuck did it end up there? how long had it been there? who knows, but its helping me get my thoughts out tonight...

soon i'll be seeing a therapist who will get me through the transition...

this is probably the most positive, optimistic post you'll see from me... i just hope i keep this momentum... it feels like a revolution is about to happen within me...

janm / eleven eleven

but the truth
is, one more
revolution
around the
sun, one
and one
eleven
once
again
awaken

from yoni
emerging with
in me, aatmayoni
self born, reemergence
soul cunt, its pseudonym,
its symbol, its prateek, one and
one and one and one and she and i will
become one, because she never let me seperate

me
from
me

first
eleven
spent in
perpetual
summer with

in desh, eleven
more spent on stolen

land

icy november
chasms, twenty
two, and one and
one year escaping
the prisons with
out, tuve que
sacarme, one
more spent
escaping
prisons
within


me 
she
ek aur
janam, ek

a a t m a y o n i

pitch shift...

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:44:11 GMT

pitch shift

in my radio production class we play around with different effects applied to tracks of our own recorded voices. after the projects are complete we listen to them as a class.

both today, and a couple weeks ago, my classmates (who think im a boy) seemed astonished by how natural and good my voice sounds when its shifted up two "coarses", like a "girl's voice"... it is really reassuring.

why this is odd is im not using my girl voice. i have not started voice training either. the femininity in my voice has always just existed, hiding behind a deeper pitch- if my pitch were just a bit higher, i wouldnt need any training with how to speak, pace words, accents, etc.

this is motivating me to start voice training right away... im get very ecstatic imagining my new voice...

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 00:43:48 GMT

need to keep writing, and be disciplined about it... journalism homework requires really intense time management...

also when i finally do end up posting to this- i have way too much to write, and i get bored eventually. or more likely you get bored reading it.

saturday

last day of work. exhalation.

monday, tuesday

inhalation. midterms. exhale. article due at midnight. hyperventilate. damn. its over.

exhalation again.

yesterday

went to watch "catch a fire" with a at the ultra fuckin cheap theater in rogers park. village north...

winter rogers park memories... whiff of blunt smoke at the front, ridiculous amounts of crap snuck in, idiot friend trying to find out if the popcorn is vegan, smoking cigarettes in the cold 20 by 60 foot front space enclosed by supermarket dont-steal-our-cart style fences for no apparent reason, snow, walking to morse ave beach, climbing up rocks, walking down to the pier, walking up and down from devon, and it wouldnt be rogers park without the shady, shady, shady people trying to cruise you or 'use' your phone.

anyway, back to the story. i was wearing boy clothes.

in front of me there were 4 guju boys. a went to the bathroom and told me to go in the theater. as i followed the guju boys, down the hall by theater 3 and 4, they started asking:

"paachad kon awyu che?" whos that behind us?
"hijro che" its a hijra...
(hijra is a south asian specific gender identity for feminine male-born or intersexed people)
"suu?" what?
"saalo hijro che!" the bastard is a hijra!

and then we each went into opposite theaters- on my way in, i yelled

"shu bolyu?" what did you say?

they didnt hear me or pretended not to and went in the theater.

another reminder that i dont pass for boy, even if i want to think that i can.

"catch a fire" was ok. entertaining, but nothing to come home to think about or talk about after the fact.

later yesterday

reading about hormones. researching spironolactane. very, very exciting. when i got to the part about effects, i couldnt contain my euphoria, and started laughing and felt that fizzing sensation in my chest, like i felt when i did extacy.

today

volunteered some time at an organization i support teaching web design. later i was supposed to get a call about a $25/hr (!!!!) gig doing a few hours of mantianance for my old job's website. never got the call.

watched "unknown solder" which was surprisingly pretty good.

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 02:58:25 GMT

being a full time student, currently it might surprise you why i have never written about school, about homework, or anything related...

school is slowly turning into the worst part of my existance at the moment.

as my emotions crystalize over the post-diwali package of dal-rice, and now they feel really explosive, but i still have hardly a place to begin.

today, i spoke to absolutely nobody at my college.

i am fucking sick of my classmates, i am fucking sick of these crackas. i am the only immigrant in almost all of my classes, the only one who speaks with an accent that isnt 'american', the only one who wears anything remotely similar to a kurta, the only one who communicates in other languages, who holds down a near full time job, who bumps hindi music on headphones, one of the only queer people, one of the only trans people.

my few classmates who are of color mostly really disgust me- they are case studies in internalized racism... i have never seen people of color who are so willing to play along and listen to degrading comments piled on day after fucking day. not mild either. routine comments to african-american peoples about their hair, ignorant comments about fucking LYNCH-MOBs, disgusting reenactments of racial stereotypes, specifically directed at people of that racial group who are "down".

and today, i started feeling extremely self concious, like the way i did when i first moved to the country, going to an all white school. sadly, even that school had more immigrants than columbia college, where i go at the moment.

and by self concious i mean, i would rather hide than assimilate, i would rather not eat indian food in front of anyone, than to do it and have to talk about being desi with some stupid cracka, turn down the music on my headphones rather than offer someone the opportunity to ask ignorant questions.

i feel incredibly stifled in this self-proclaimed haven of creativity, and i feel tremendously withdrawn from at school. i am getting NOTHING out of it, socially, academically or otherwise.

and i have a cruel joke of a class that will teach me "Standard English".

manzil mushkil to kya...

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 07:06:46 GMT

so most of you probably know this already, but im obsessed with film. i mean like i've watched a good 60% of the foreign films at my video store. so i've decided that i should write about them a bit more- because i need to make a habit of writing things like this so i can do it for class too...

few movies have made me cry euphorically (you know, in the way hindi movies can), like "Dor" just did... while most feminist hindi films tend to infallably be tragedies, a few manage not to be- "mirch masala", is one good example that comes to mind. not to say feminist tragedies are bad- if they can drive a sense of inertia in the audience with it, i think they can be powerful. but few will make a positive social message linger in the mind of the audience while ending in an humanistic and hopeful resolution.

on the other hand there is movies like "lajja", which was throughly entertaining in parts, but insisted on weaving in almost obligatory love stories within it, and had an ending which was perhaps the most disappointing in hindi movie history*...

so back to Dor- its about two women, meera and zeenat, who are from rajisthan and himachal pradesh... their husbands go to work in saudi arabia and share a room together. meera receives a call that her husband is fell off a balcony and is dead, and zeenat is told that her husband has been put on death row as he is held responsible. however, if zeenat finds meera and gets her forgiveness, the death penalty could be revoked. meera is imprisoned after his death by her ultra-conservative family, and is forbidden from wearing colors, going anyplace but the mandir (temple), and eating sweets. zeenat is very fierce, and she sets out to rajisthan to look for meera. she finds meera and they become best friends... i shouldnt give away any more.

its been a little while since i've seen such powerful actresses in hindi film, and Gur Kirat Panag and Ayesha Takia are incredible... Shreyas Talpade plays a part-time sidekick- he is incredibly charming and funny (at least he was to me!). these actresses and actor are relative unknowns, and it is amazing to see them playing in a film which manages to capture the beauty of the terrain, as animated as the characters.

-- spoiler for lajja- the ending thats not worth watching --
*basically- following a peasant womans uprising against the thakur (landed caste) that the protagonist helps organize, the abusive stalker killer husband who she has been running from throughout the country apologizes, because now he "sees", and the wife within the span of a few seconds (LITERALLY!) accepts his apology. to make things a bit more absurd, in a second ending, they move to New York, where the abuser is a big businessman, and the wife organizes little socialite dances in the name of feminism. furthermore, they run into a cab-driver who happens to be one of the "good" men who helps her escape her abuser stalker husband. and it only gets worse- he is now married to another woman who was a sister and a mutual support to the protagonist.